A difficult and often a taboo subject,
it is estimated around one million people a year commit suicide, or
19,000 a week, 2,700 a day, 112 a hour...2 every minute...
It is also estimated the number of
people surviving suicide attempts is much higher, possibly as much as
20 to one in most countries.
I myself have attempted suicide once,
when I was 18, I have had countless thoughts about it since the age
of 12.
There was a couple of factors that led
me to make the attempt. For one it was during the winter season (the
month of February) and this when my depression is usually at its most
severe, secondly, back then I was living in supported accommodation and my
depression was well known to the support staff and with their
encouragement I sought help for it. The GP prescribed me the
anti-depressant medication fluoxetine (popularly known as prozac).
To say the medication failed to help
would be a kind understatement as in actual fact it contributed to me
going over the edge. The side effects was either I was so out of it I
was incapable of performing simple tasks or I was so anxious I could
not relax for one second as every little sound scared me shitless as
I became convinced that someone or something was going to hurt me
badly.
So one day at work (I chose to carry on
working in a misguided attempt at trying to carry on as though I was
perfectly fine) I was in the zombie state and I struggled to get
anything done correctly, in fact I had to re-do a task five times to
get it right and this task was simply scanning a barcode into a
computer and entering the amount of products in question.
I was very calm when a thought came to
me that I cannot go on like this, its not worth it and it never will
be. I decided as soon as I finished my working day, I would go home
and swallow all the anti-depressants I had. On the way back I walked
past a friend of mine and we didn't say anything to each other (we
had a falling out a couple of weeks back and we were both too
stubborn to apologise for it).
So I got back and started swallowing
the pills one by one, after taking so many, I don't know the exact
number, it may have been around 30 or so, I suddenly thought I better
do one last thing and apologise to this friend of mine and to tell
him he's not to blame for whatever happens in the future. Evidently
this tipped him off and he got me to the hospital.
This caused a fair amount of upset,
although it was obvious I wasn't well, nobody had the slightest
inkling of what I intended on that day. Quite a few people
(especially my work colleagues) demanded to know why I did not say
anything, quite simply I said I didn't want to try and get better
anymore, it wasn't worth it.
I mentioned about hope being important
in my first post, as I would say I had lost all hope that day and for
a lot of people who commit suicide or attempt to have lost hope, the
hope that things will get better somehow someday. Often though it can
feel as though no matter how hard you try, how much you struggle to
get through the day, it will never get better and what’s worse is
the feeling that you have to face all of it on your own,
because you don't feel as though anyone else understands, knows or
cares about what you are going through, every single day, every
single waking hour.
I have known a fair number of people
who have made attempts over the years (I consider the fact I have
known nobody actually succeed a minor miracle) including some I was
very close to and finding out they tried to end their own life had
the overwhelming feelings which followed;
Fear
What if they try again, the next time I
leave them I may never see them alive again, what if I let them down,
can I do anything to help them?
Helplessness
and powerlessness
If somebody is determined to end their
own life, short of being around someone for 24 hours a day
consistently (I tried that with one young woman, trust me it isn't
possible as at some point you'll be a emotional wreck no matter how
strong or resilient you are or how much you love that person), they
will try or succeed in doing so and of course you can't wave a magic
wand to make everything better.
Sadness
Knowing that someone is in such pain,
suffering, torment etc. is very sad and this may well increase in
intensity if you have been there or are actually there yourself, you
know the feelings of despair, the hopelessness, the worthlessness,
the fact someone you care about is going through this and beyond
being there for them, there is little you can do.
Guilt
I should have known something was
wrong, I should have said something or I didn't say the right things
or I should have been with them when they tried/did it, I let them
down, I wasn't a good enough friend, I didn't do enough for them.
Anger
How could they do this? Way didn't they
talk to me? Why didn't they get help? How could I not have seen this?
How could I have been so stupid? Because of how they were treated by
certain people they felt so bad they wanted to die, its all their
fault.
Those are the feelings and thoughts I've had, of course given that I attempted suicide and some people
would have felt what I put above about what I did probably makes me a
hypocrite especially where the angry bit is concerned.
Now when I hear or read some people
stating that “suicide is the easy/cowards way out” or “suicide
is wrong as God granted life only he can take it away” my blood
pressure sky rockets as I find such things to be ridiculously
simplistic, ignorant and dismissive of the very people who need help
and support not condemnation.
On the surface it well appear it is a
simple matter but in fact it is anything but. What some people don't
realise is it is a matter of perception,
to those of the 'suicide is wrong' crowd while it may seem like
that the person who is suicidal should simply take steps to seek help
and make their lives better (as some do manage to do this, there is
no reason why everyone can't do it according to some), this ignores
three important things, the circumstances and the experiences of the
individual in question and the fact that every single one of them
unique in their own right.
It needs to be
understood that our experiences shape who are we, how we think, how
we perceive the world, our hopes and fears. The experience of being
afflicted with a mental health issue (such as depression) for example
can and usually does have a negative impact on one's own perception of life.
Thus
having a mental health problem like depression may well make the
future seem bleak in the respect that from past experiences nothing
will change for the better and
if you truly feel that way you may ask yourself what is the point of
going on like this for another 20,30,40 years? Life is too short some
say but it is not when a lot of the life you have lived has feelings of
worthlessness, that your insignificant or your a burden to your
family and/or friends or that you are a complete failure at whatever
it is you tried to do and you'd be doing the world a favour by killing yourself.
So what people need
to help overcome their daily struggles is a good experience, like
accomplishing something or something going right for once, maybe
figuring out what you would like to do in the future (if you can't do
it immediately) or realizing that someone does care about you.
For myself as I
continue on this road to recovery I know at some point I come across
suicidal thoughts and feelings again from time to time
and have doubts that my life will get any better.
21st
January, the journey continues.
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