The suicidal thoughts and feelings have lessened considerably since the last post, for now I only get them when I first wake up and its fleeting as by the time I’ve made myself a cup of tea they pass by.
So for now it appears the worst of this episode is over although the depression still has a firm grip and makes facing a new day unpleasant, I got so used to it though I barely notice it, that is until I need to make an effort then its anything from somewhat difficult to an ordeal depending on what I end up doing.
Why is the worst over? Not a lot has changed, in fact my circumstances have not changed and so it would seem odd I should feel a little better. There is two things I can point to, two small things at that but combined they replenish some of the emotional strength that gets sucked out during the episode.
Firstly, writing the post previous to this offered an outlet I did not have before, usually I don't really really talk about how I’m feeling or why beyond saying I ain't okay or making the odd facebook status saying I’m fed of this, that or the other, I certainly don't go into such detail.
Secondly, my beloved club Derby County won 2-0 away at Leeds United, an unexpected win as far as I was concerned I would have been happy with a draw, I didn't listen to the match nor the previous one (we drew 0-0 at home against Ipswich Town, I thought we would lose that one) this only happens when I’m feeling so low that I can't be bothered to listen.
So checking for the result as soon as I was able to get up and log on to my pc and seeing that result gave me a buzz for a short while, a good feeling as I’m sure any football supporter will tell you you get when your team pulls off something you don't expect, again not a major event but combined with the outlet it gave me something to feel better about.
Now that I have bounced away from rock bottom, maybe, just maybe, this episode will soon be over soon.
17th April the journey continues.