The suicidal thoughts and feelings have
lessened considerably since the last post, for now I only get them
when I first wake up and its fleeting as by the time I’ve made
myself a cup of tea they pass by.
So for now it appears the worst of this
episode is over although the depression still has a firm grip and
makes facing a new day unpleasant, I got so used to it though I
barely notice it, that is until I need to make an effort then its
anything from somewhat difficult to an ordeal depending on what I end
up doing.
Why is the worst over? Not a lot has
changed, in fact my circumstances have not changed and so it would
seem odd I should feel a little better. There is two things I can
point to, two small things at that but combined they replenish some
of the emotional strength that gets sucked out during the episode.
Firstly, writing the post previous to
this offered an outlet I did not have before, usually I don't really
really talk about how I’m feeling or why beyond saying I ain't okay
or making the odd facebook status saying I’m fed of this, that or
the other, I certainly don't go into such detail.
Secondly, my beloved club Derby County
won 2-0 away at Leeds United, an unexpected win as far as I was
concerned I would have been happy with a draw, I didn't listen to the
match nor the previous one (we drew 0-0 at home against Ipswich Town,
I thought we would lose that one) this only happens when I’m
feeling so low that I can't be bothered to listen.
So checking for the result as soon as I
was able to get up and log on to my pc and seeing that result gave me
a buzz for a short while, a good feeling as I’m sure any football
supporter will tell you you get when your team pulls off something
you don't expect, again not a major event but combined with the
outlet it gave me something to feel better about.
Now that I have bounced away from rock
bottom, maybe, just maybe, this episode will soon be over soon.
17th April the journey
continues.
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