It has taken 6 years to get where I am now, I have my own place, I’m in further education and finally I got full time employment, yet I don't think I have felt so scared in quite a long time. What do I have to be scared of? Well quite simply its failing at this job, the 4 weeks of training are over and as of Monday I will actually be doing the job in question (well I started it briefly the previous Friday) me and a few others from my group will have mentors for a further 4 weeks (called consolidation) as we get upto speed.
The job has targets, not unusual and I’ve had targets to keep to in my previous jobs however what is different here is previously my targets were to do with stock in warehouses or a company's stockroom, now the targets in question involve in dealing with customers over the telephone, besides facing my anxiety about dealing with people over the phone (can I understand them, can they understand me etc.) if I make a mistake during a call it has the potential to affect that person's life in an adverse way (the flipside is I can help somebody) unfortunately as I am a mostly 'glass is half empty' kind of guy my natural reaction is to fear the worst.
Basically I am at the moment constantly scared of making a mistake and always doubting I can really do this job and the thought occasionally occurs that I fail here and get fired it will be a catastrophe as this is the first full time job I’ve had since 2005 (7 years!) if I was worried before about being viewed as a 'damaged employee' by a potential employer then will be reinforced in my mind so much (self stigmatization) would I recover from it?
I keep telling myself “so don't fail, depression isn't here now, its upto you and you alone...that’s what you wanted all along isn't it?” Fail and I can't say its because I was depressed, succeed it won't be despite the depression, its on me and me alone now, I guess that's what scares me the most. Thankfully I’m in a supportive workplace especially the training/consolidation group I am in, the next few weeks I expect will be stressful so I should draw on the support available.
Saturday 8th December 2012 the journey continues.