The only thing I find more difficult than my own suffering is to see the suffering of another, especially of those closest to me. Right now there are three who are going through bad times (and another who is suicidal) while I am there for them it feels as though I’m watching from afar as they go through it whilst i look on helplessly, powerless to affect the circumstances, beyond being there for someone what can one actually do?
Nothing and I hate that more than anything.
Being there for them just isn't enough I have to offer some worthwhile piece of advice or insight that helps the circumstances surrounding them or their current emotional state, I never manage to it seems, part of me says its because there is nothing to said or done beyond being there, the other part says its because I’m actually not that good of a friend I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems over the years I actually have no clue how to help anyone else, I mean how could I? I couldn't help myself most of the time.
Quite often they tell me of what is going on (or not going on that should be) for them and a lot of the time lately I’m wondering on what I can actually say, often nothing comes to mind other than “thats crap” “thats not right” “im so sorry to hear to that” etc and I keep saying to myself “thats all you can say? A bog standard go to response?”
Often mental health professionals asked me why it is so important to me that I’d often allow it to consume me to the point I was a emotional wreck, I’d say it's because I care about these people, I know what its like (sometimes) to go through what they are going through, one of the four said its because I am a 'glutton for punishment' and the fact I can conveniently forget about my own troubles and avoid having to deal with my own things.
I still have to figure out how to cope with seeing others struggle and accept the awful fact that often there is little or nothing I can do about it, how I manage this will be subject of much intense introspection for a very long time to come.
17th January 2013 the journey continues.