The unrelenting stress
continues to pound away at me physically and emotionally, so far
little damage is done, hell I can even appear to be happy, laughing
and full of life, as though it isn’t there.
But it is.
The usual pattern is at
work here, my immune system bears the brunt of it all, it becomes
weakened to the point I catch everything going, this year I got the
flu and if that wasn't enough this flu has now triggered off a
problem with my sinus, leaving the right side of my face in a good
deal of pain for most of the day, consequently I feel like crap all
the time (physically) and eventually it impacts on me
psychologically.
So far the depression is
mild and is often only fleeting in the moments its having, the odd
thought about how wrong this is all going to go, the worst is yet to
come. Notwithstanding throughout the flu during its first week I
ended up having to allow a relative to stay with me and stay hidden
from the rest of the family after a huge row that broke out which
ended up with the relative in question being allegedly assaulted by
another, however true to form I’m helpless to confront the
aggressor in question as I’ve been made to promise I would stay out
of it.
In addition informing my
team leader at work that an episode has just begun is looking as
though it going to backfire as the leader falsely attributed part of
the reason I had two days off work (due to the flu polaxing me for
those days) due to the depression...they put on the 'welcome back'
form that I was 'very depressed' despite me making it clear it was
the flu that kept me off work and nothing else. I mean blimey, if
they think I’m very depressed now they going to be in for a rude
shock when I get there. In fairness the team leader is trying to be
supportive its just bemusing to me that they put very depressed on
that form, they at least agreed to remove the word very when I
pointed I'm only mildly depressed.
My appetite is going down
making eating an unwanted but necessary chore, I procrastinated on my
Open University assignments so much I’ve wrote them whole on
deadline day, last month I still scored 70%, this time I doubt very
much I’ll manage that and at the moment on I’m on the path to a
self fulfilled prophecy if I don't pull my finger out and actually
study this course. Hell I don't even feel better talking about
anything any more, either I’m feeling guilty for letting others
know what is going on with me or I feel I’m just seeking attention
by doing it (then again what else to do, I tried suffering in silence
it doesn't work unless you can lie to yourself convincingly).
In a state of
deterioration physically and emotionally, unless something changes
its going to continue all the way to severe depression and suicidal
ideation. This week could very well see arrive at the next
stage...moderate depression, however having read what I have put here
I’m wondering if I’m actually there already? Pushing on i cannot escape...
2nd February 2013 the journey continues.
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