My contract with my last employer
finished on the 26th
April and so unemployed once more. I felt a mixture of feelings about
leaving, on the one hand I found the job itself draining as I have
anxiety about talking to people over the phone (I often wondered
about the wisdom then of me taking a full time job where I am on the
phone on the majority of the employment, however as a close friend
once said I am a glutton for punishment so that probably explains it
well enough) and given the nature of the work I was always afraid of
making a mistake, the mistakes I would make in this case would affect
people and I’ve been in that position of being stressed due to the
mistakes of others.
In particular though
there were times I felt I was part of the problem for some of these
people I spoke to, I couldn't help them and had to tell them so, the
bearer of bad news for people who were in poor (at times desperate)
circumstances, one call will always stand out for me, a woman called
to make a claim for JSA (Jobseekers Allowance) having been disallowed
from her sickness benefit despite her stating she still suffered from
the sickness in question which would greatly impact on her ability to
work, also due to some bad advice she had waited for more than a
month to make a claim meaning the whole process would take much
longer for her than had she called within a month.
This woman was upset
from the beginning about the whole situation, it sure felt horrible
for me to say to her that the only way I could help her was by taking
a new claim and under the circumstances this isn't help at all,
anything else I can't do anything for her. She constantly re-told me
her situation in the vain hope this would somehow change things for
the better, of course it didn't and so it came to the question where
I asked her how her sickness or disability affected her ability to
work (I already knew but I wasn't allowed to answer for people, they
had to answer every question no matter how bleeding obvious the
answer was) so she told me, she however went into detail about why
she suffered from panic attacks.
The previous year
she was raped and during the attack the rapist had stubbed out
cigarettes on her. At this point (bearing in mind I already felt
guilty about the whole thing, it just didn’t feel right to me what
was going on for this woman and I was part of it) it sent me over the
edge, feeling so guilty I just couldn't carry on taking the call, the
whole situation was just wrong, so I got the deputy team leader and
explained to her I couldn't continue the call, she took over for me.
This happened on Friday 15th
March, I remember the date as on the 16th
I went to to watch Derby County beat Leicester City 2-1 (the first
time I saw Derby win in almost 3 years) and straight after I went to
a friend's birthday night out, so the 15th
was an awful day, the 16th
being a very good one.
By far and away the
worst call I ever experienced during my time there. For the most part
most of the people I dealt with were okay and many of them took the
time to thank me at the end of the calls. What ensured I kept going
through the difficult times there was the support I had from the
people I worked with, in particular my team leader and deputy team
leader I doubt I’ll get as much support or understanding I got from
them from another employer which I why despite the fact I far from
enjoyed the job I am sad I am no longer working there.
As to what I will do
next well I think its time I bite the bullet and attempt to get into
working in the mental health field despite feeling crippled by self
doubt that I would be able to cope in such a role (after all I didnt
cope at all with the call I described above) then again not long
before I started the last job I had the feeling I wouldn't be able to
do it, well I bit the bullet and did it, did it well.
7th
May 2013 the journey continues again.
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